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Life is good.
Jun. 3rd, 2008
09:10 pm
LONDON IN LESS THAN 25 DAYS.
AHHHH. I am so excited. :D
I've been talking to some of the people that I am going with, and they are awesome, so I am even more stoked to go. Gah, I'm going to miss everyone. Buttttt it's going to be soooo much fun agh. :D:D:D:D:D
Heheh.
excitedApr. 18th, 2008
Apr. 14th, 2008
Apr. 7th, 2008
Apr. 6th, 2008
09:41 pm
Alright, I feel like I need to get some stuff off of my chest, and it's all going to sound kind of negative..and that's because it kind of is. I don't want to feel like I'm loading someone else down with it or complaning-so I figure that the intrawebz is an okay place to start, right? Especially since very very few people even look at this, so I won't feel so bad.
To start: I have come to dislike myself again. After 8th grade I stopped paying attention, but it seems that I have started to pay more attention to myself and what I dislike. When I look in the mirror I cannot stand the way that I look. My mom doesn't like it either, but we have very different ideas about what I should wear and "style", and so I can't really talk to her about it because we don't like the same clothes, and things that she suggests are not what I want to be wearing at all. I think that I look disgusting on a daily basis. I just do not like the way that I look.
Next: I have been having issues lately. I can't seem to be able to bring myself to ask people to hang out. I want to, but at the same time I don't. I feel like the people that I call "friends" dislike me. I have been told otherwise...but I just..don't know. I just feel like people do not like me, like they find me irritating or something.
Next Next: On the same note as the last few sentences, I don't feel like people want to talk to me. I don't feel like I'm worth talking to. I don't feel like my "good friends" are my "good friends". It is kind of disheartening when you hear things about your close friends..through other people. Or when you show interest in doing something outside of your general 'limits', and are told repeatedly that 'you would never do that, i know you'. Okay. I might not now, but if I am insisting that I like the idea, that I might follow through, and I am showing an interest-please don't tell me "no, you can't do it because you won't". It makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel incapable. Especially if the event were to take place next year, which is a considerable amount of time for me to grow and for me to make a final decision. I don't feel like I really have very close friends. In fact, I was told that "if you actually did [drink] you would hang out with me more often". That might be a little much to disclose, but it's like.. alright, I ask you to hang out because I feel comfortable with you, and you blow me off because I don't go out on fucking drinking binges. And who knows, do you drink a lot? What do you do? Because you know what, you don't fucking talk to me much anymore. You can deny it, sure. Tell me that you talk to me. When do you talk to me, though? In school? Really? Feel free to call me sometime when we're not sitting through a period of class. I don't want to call you anymore.
I've just been feeling really down lately, which I guess effects everything about me. I know how I should be. I know I love to laugh. I know I love to be with people. I know I love to feel wanted. But I don't feel wanted anymore. I don't feel necessary.
This sounds like I am complaining. I guess I am.
Sorry about the rant, I just needed to get it out somewhere.
In other, less rant-ish news..I AM GOING TO LONDON THIS SUMMER. I am really excited, it should be so much fun. I cannot wait to meet new people and .. everything. =) It is going to be insane. I guess that I should probably get over my airplane issues before the flight, huh?
blahJan. 29th, 2008
06:50 pm
My mom told me that I was a failure.
I came home from school today and she started pushing me about what I got in chem. And finally I was just like "I got a flipping 68, okay?" and she started yelling at me about how I was a failure, and how I would never go to college. That I would have to go to a crappy little school and go to Nassau or Suffolk because my grades are shit.
I tried to tell her that it was only this quarter for chem. and that they do look at a breakdown of the grades. And she told me I was wrong.
I am not doing well in those classes, it isn't like I am insanely proud of my math 65 and my chem 68. But it could have been worse. I could have failed altogether. I mean, for me, below like 79 is failing. But actually failing the class wise, I could have failed. And I thought I did fantastic on the midterms. I hate when they do that.
When you get the test, and you've studied like mad. And you see it, and you go "Oh man, I know all of this" and you start filling out answers. And you leave, because you're so excited. You're like "shit, man! I knew all of that!"
But you get your grade back and it is laughing at you, telling you that you failed.
I don't get it, I really don't.
And it's annoying. Ridiculously annoying, because I try. It isn't like I just say "fuck this" and don't even try. Because I do. I try a lot.
And it's clear that it is only Chemistry and Math that I am having difficulty with. Like, 90s in english. 90's in my art classes. Ugh.
Now I'm convinced I'm not going to college.
Fantastic.
And I end this post with a word:
Jellyfish.
Jan. 24th, 2008
09:52 pm
So it's been about two weeks, and I figure I should try and say something, right? =P
Hm..so..what to say...Well, to begin with, Midterms week is nearly over! Yup! Only my math midterm left tomorrow.
Unfortunately, that's the one I need to get an 85 or higher on to pass the class >.>
I dislike it when you only find out how poorly you are doing three weeks before the class ends, so you can't do much to help yourself.
Agh! And I passed chem, hands down, so that's no huge worry. I heard that the class average for APUSH was 69, though..heh..but assuming that's only a rumor...
These past couple of weeks have been stressful. I convinced myself that I had herpes, unconvinced myself, and re-convinced myself. There's this weird spot on my lip that was getting bigger and more awkward looking..and I finally sprout the balls to ask my mom to take me to the dermatologist, and I wake up the next morning to find it seem to be getting smaller. >.>
Identity crisis. I know what I want, but I don't. I want everything, but at the same time I just want to throw it away. I'm too worried about what people think when I do things, but at the same time I don't care. It's kind of like that nagging fear in the back of your mind. When you're like "I am happy with the way I look", and then your mom gives you that "..." look, and you start rethinking everything you've done.
I can't make decisions. I have a choice (assuming i can come up with the money, of course), of going to either the University of London or University of Cambridge in England and studying Art History, or going to La Sorbonne in France and studying French. WhileI'd rather go for art history..Paris? France? London?
School. I'm not doing well. And I care, but at the same time I don't. I want to do well, but I can't bring myself to want to do the work. It's kind of like being lazy, but at the same time not, because I'm doing well in the classes that I WANT to do well in. I don't know.
I'm afraid of losing people. and not just losing them as in "death", I mean, people getting fed up with me for whatever reason, known or unknown, and just dropping me. when I try to talk to people sometimes I can't tell if they're frustrated with me or with something else. gah!
Overall though, I must say, everything is going pretty well, I guess. I mean, it could be significantly worse. Ignoring the stress and stuff, I guess I'm pretty happy, no major complaints. Yeah..no major complaints at all.
My friends are amazing, no matter how much garbage I dump on them on any given day, they listen and don't tell me that I'm stupid or anything. And they don't shit about me later. At least I don't think they do. Whatever.
I really appreciate everybody. I wish I could just give everyone a really big hug. Everyone. Really big hug.
When anyone sees me, if anyone is reading this, hug me. Do it. Don't even be like "you said so", just like..come up to me and hug me, I'll hug back, hugs are fantastic. =)
Wow, that last paragraph put me in a fantastic mood. I'm excited now. HUGS HUGS HUGS =D
happyJan. 6th, 2008
12:59 pm
Alright, well that decision was fail. Whatever.
It's been a pretty good two weeks since I've last updated. Christmas: got a Canon Rebel =D and Guitar Hero 3, and some other stuff. It was nice. We always go to our Aunt's house Christmas Eve, but usually we got to my grandma's house Christmas, but because of my mom my other aunt and my grandma came over to our house =)
Christmas break was pretty sweet too. I hung out with Birdie a lot. I also saw one of the worst movies I have ever seen...Alvin and the Chipmunks. Oh my gosh, it looked bad in the commercials, but they asked me to go see it and agh. It was worse than it looked. AGH. But it was a fun night anyway.
I didn't see a lot of the people that I wanted to see, but seeing the ones that I did was fun, hah.
New Years Eveee. tradition prevails. Birdie and I did the sleepover. This year was my year. Uh..So she came over, we went up to Rich's which was pretty fun. Then home, TWILIGHT ZONE MARATHON.
I had 4 things for Portfolio due when I got back, too, but I got them done, and Shields liked them, so it was good.
Series + my self-portrait.
Uhh..yup. I'm so glad that this week was only 3 days, haha, even though it still seemed so long anyway. Last night I saw Juno! I went with Birdie and oh my gosh, it was such a good movie. One of the best movies that I have ever seen. They had so many Kimya Dawson and Moldy Peaches songs and I was just like I KNOW YOU. And Juno, the main character, and I have the same socks. This excites me.
Allriightt. So I'm working on a scavenger hunt for some point in the relative near future. Send suggestions.
Laterr.
Dec. 22nd, 2007
02:24 pm
So I have resolved to try and update this weekly. I think I have probably said that before, but I'm going to actually try this time.
So my mom had been in the hospital since Tuesday last, which I believe was the 11th. But she came home Wednesday! =D So it was very exciting. I mean, she is still in some pain, and she can't really do much, and she's still on a diet type of thing for her issue, but she's getting better, which is always fantastic.
Of course, though, this kind of inhibits my activities, but my friends are awesome, so it's alright. Right now it's the weekend though, so my dad's home. I hope I can figure something out for the upcoming week =O
Anyway, we went to the Met for the AP Art/Portfolio field trip on Thursday, and it was a lot of fun. I didn't get to see the Impressionist exhibit or the Rembrandt one, but I did get into the Abstract expressionism and photography areas, so it was alright. Actually, Lauren, Matt, and Dan got stuck on the train when we got off? So they had to get out at Northport. Heh.
Tuesday and Wednesday were the High School Winter concerts, for me, Vocal and Orchestra. I think we did pretty well. Having Rosenberg/Pomeranz as the director instead of Laufer is such a change. Like, some people are complaining about her, but I think she's fantastic. She gets so into it, and chooses songs that are fun to sing, like, somewhat more modern etc. Anyway, I think we did a good job. Same with Orchestra. I love Mr. Walter, haha, he's amazing.
Yesterday, being the Friday before Christmas break, was "Hand Out Shit Day". And hand out shit I did. I made my annual Christmas Mixtapes. And I insist on calling them Mixtapes. Not Mixcds. I've been told that they make the Christmas holiday, and that they make Christmas break official. I feel t3h specialz0rz. =P
Last night I went to the movies with Katie the Bird which was fun. We saw I Am Legend. I really wish that I could have read the book, though. The movie was alright. I particularly enjoyed how they were able to make New York City look deserted. That looked like it was difficult, like, making grass in the streets, rows of abandoned cars and buildings. Choo know? After the movie we ran around town screaming about demon cats and kids running too slowly and we sang sang sang. In fact, as we were passing that place near Rosa's we were singing Build Me up Buttercup, and we thought that someone was yelling at us, but some seemingly drunk people were actually singing with us. Fun. =P
And today..Today I haven't done anything. I asked my dad to take me driving, but my mom said that I "shouldn't go driving because I haven't cleaned my room or done anything", which caused my dad to agree which then proceeded to cause some screaming between my dad and me. Mostly me. I just wanted to go. =/
So now, basement time!
I'll be here all week. Ohh yeah.
Laterr.
calmDec. 16th, 2007
12:20 am - OH MY GOSH. Big D Show.
What a fun show. Like, I expected it to be fantastic, but it was fantastically fantastic. Magnificently magnifient.
Expect a video.
The bands were great. I mean some were eh, but overall they were amazing.
Big D played such a fucking great set.
And then guess what?
I crowd surfed.
Yeah, Sara crowd surfed.
AND THEN I GOT ON STAGE AND DANCED.
YEAH, I DANCED ONSTAGE NEXT TO DAVE AND STEVE.
Apparently the security guard tried to grab me and I moved and Dave talked about me after. He was like
"Yeah, I thought that girl was going to punch the security guard and he'd be like "Ha ha ha, you can't hurt me little girl".
I was like..the second person crowd surfing and the first person dancing onstage. After that a bunch of other people did it.
I felt somewhat original =P
Oh man, I have such a rush right now, haha.
I do need to sleep though, so..later =D
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